Feel Sadness Without Becoming Sad

São Bento Train Station, Porto, Portugal

We Are Not Our Feelings

I was told something once, or maybe I read it—it doesn't matter, but it has always stuck with me. It is both simple and very complicated. It is easy to understand, yet it can take a lifetime to figure out. I was told, "You are not your feelings." So often, we feel something, and that feeling becomes who we are. When we don't do this well, we don't feel sad, "we ARE sad.". We don't feel anger at a situation or someone. I would say, "I AM mad." Those are not just words. Those words come from how we treat our feelings many times.

Laurie Anderson, the musical/performance artist, talked with Anderson Cooper on a podcast in October 2022. Laurie gave an example that helped me think about this more deeply. Anderson Cooper is a journalist who has seen many horrible things over the years, so these examples were also real to him.

Laurie had talked to Anderson in the past about feeling sad while not being sad, and they brought that topic back up again. I'm using first names since they are so similar, which could confuse me. Anderson said that this struck a cord in him, and he has been trying to figure out how to do it. Laurie let him know that he already knew how and gave him examples. I will try to put the concept in my own words.

Horrible and painful things happen to us and others around us. You can't just push them away or ignore them; they will still be there even if you walk away. We can allow ourselves to feel them and feel them intensely without becoming that thing. When we do this, and other people are involved, it is known as empathy. I can see things happen to others and imagine what it would be like to be them. I can put myself in that situation and try to feel what they feel. For example, when I see a person struggling and sleeping on the street, I can imagine what I would think if I were in their exact situation and then feel it. I remember watching a ton of Tsumuni videos on YouTube a few years ago and feeling that fear, pain, and sudden loss even though I was only seeing a video on small screen. In an airport recently, I saw a young mother struggle with a child who was losing it. They had been delayed all day, and the toddler had reached his limit and was screaming for all to hear. I could feel her pain as she felt she had no choice, no place to go, no way to change the situation, and no way to calm the child. She was tired, hungry, and struggling; I could see, in her eyes, was losing it as well. I could feel her fear and pain and I teared up.

Laurie explained more about Anderson's experience and how the Tibetans would teach him to experience it. She told him that he could "put [himself] in that, really let [him] feel it, not like it's something that's happening to someone else, but something that's happening to you. But the most important part of this teaching is its second part: Do not become sad yourself." That same principle can be applied to our personal situations and feelings. We can witness it. We can articulate it. We can feel it. But we can choose not to become it. You can be an optimist even as you experience trouble. You can choose to be happy, even as you feel and witness sadness of yourself or others.

This sounds good, but may take me a lifetime to figure out and work on.